"During the sleepless nights and endless dreams,I pretend that the past is not real.I never knew things would change so fast.U'r not here-am alone and trying to run away from the pain that has grown.Without you, I feel so empty.There is so much crying and I feel like dying. Dear,this one is for you!One who swept off my feet at first sight,to the one who promised me to accompany my entire life but now you have gone.Inthis hopeless world I have only your hopeful words in my broken heart.This shooting pain in my eyes- I cant hold it anymore.you walked away.Now am colder than the ocean breeze. After you are gone,day after day,I slowly go insane.I hear your voice and taste your smile.Long ago,I was totally free with my love.Where did all time go now?Wherever you go,whatever it takes and however my heart breaks,I will be right here waiting for you.just for you babe!"    read my mom's  diary!!      

Three years before:

"karthik -First B.E graduate of our family!Am proud of you son!" enounced my father gladly."But Daddy.....!!! I have to pass all my semesters without any arrears".Staring at me and my words he gave me a tight hug and suddenly the chillness spread my veins.It is then I retrieved that am going to fleet my entire four years here ,in hostel ,staying away from him and my mom.Bidding him a gud bye with a fake smile and wet eyes I directed myself to the notice board to check out the updates of room numbers and at last got my room keys. I was the first person to get into the room ,later came my room mate."Hey ! Am Gautam.Your room mate! Guess we will be sharing the same bed for four years" he said with a spicy smile. I didnt know how to react and laughed like a mad for no reason . One topic led to other and we had late night talks  about our family,relations,schooling,sports,films,friends but not studies. 

August 26,2009:
         "My dear students..." startled our college chairman to address on the freshers day and we started looking out for girls-the cute ones.Our eyes were scanning each row and column and we tried our best to make out from the crowd but we couldn't."Mission failed!" spoke my inner voice. "Yes, No female here seems to be worthy man!!"said gautam. We looked and giggled at each other.  Every one was stabile in the conference hall for more than an hour and majority of souls were longing for him to end his words. Once the lecture was over we regained the hope and were in process of hunting for beautiful girls."Awww! My life is ruined now!I cant spend my years with just boys karthik!!" he yelled. 

         First day of our college,9AM.Our classes began! "Engineering Mechanics",said my lecturer and started singing lullaby the very first day.We were provided with the class schedule papers of each week day and nothing seemed interesting for us except sports and debate period. I was the district champion in volley ball and my friend gautam-state player. Friday afternoon,1 to 3 was debate and it was a platform to share our views n improve our communication skills. The first debate topic given was "Who is more stronger??Men or Women?" . Girls and boys got seperated into two teams gradually and arguments were so hot! We guys were dominating girls in every point and they couldn't oppose us.Since I was from an anglo-Indian school i had a passion towards engllish and I spoke comparitively much than others. It is when it all happened!! 

      "Mr.Karthik! How do you say we gals are week??We manage our family,relations,children ,husband and also do comparitively better in jobs than men! Can you guys give birth to a child?Can you carry a baby weighing in kilo's for ten months?Can you lose one litre of blood every month and still remain so active those four days? But we do!We are more strong physically and mentally!",she said. Aditi.Yes,that was her name...Aditi Krishnan.The girl who opposed me with a zip of light in her speech and fierce of fire in her eyes.No body could answer to her questions and since she pointed my name and asked, other boys were acting as if they were not ashamed and it was a cracking affront for me to the core.Still I managed with few words but lost my breath and started stammering looking at my girl's beauty.yeah!She was no longer a third person.I felt her so close to my heart and all of a sudden I wanted to make her my princess.

              Is there such a thing as love at first sight???
              Thats the question i used to ask...until i laid eyes on you.
              How is it possible to feel so much for a stranger,a passerby?
              Love has no limits,no color,no time.
              Thats when i realized that i had fallen in love-love at first sight!!

Unavailing to hear a response from our side, jury declared the result in affirmative to girls and also announced Aditi as "Vocalizer of the week" . Everyone were back to normal but I wasn't . Not because I lost to her but I couldn't forget that naughty smile she gave on me with one of her eyebrows lifted when she got the title. Time paced and soon it became dark and we stepped out of our room to canteen for dinner. My eyes were searching for her in the crowd.I wasn't sure whether she was an hostalate or day scholar but wished I would have her by my side now. Getting my plates filled I sat on table to eat but I wasn't comfartable . I measured my foot out of canteen and was staring at the full moon. Suddenly I got my head stuck by someone saying "Buddhu!What are you doing here?Go and eat insde!Chalo..". I obeyed those words like a puppy in hands of its master because it was my Aditi. I felt as if thousands of butterflies were rounding my stomach and heart. I was smiling at everyone in eatery and never took off my eyes from her. I felt everything empty around me except her. 

              And now I have fallen in love ,I had the reason to smile every moment i lived but thoughts stroke my mind "what if she doesnt feel the same for me?" I made many overnight preparations everyday (spoling gautam's sleep) for proposing but I couldnt.Am not a person who doesnt dare to speak with girls but when it comes to my love ,I promise you , nothing will make you feel better until she comes near and say "Baby!I love you!!". Days passed through and nothing changed between us except a "hi!",not when she crosses me in college but when she finds me that am at the back of her! yes!Entire college knew that am in damn love with Aditi and she too knew it to an extent but never asked me about it! Semester time tables were scheduled and every soul of the college was preparing for their distinction but I was still with my own rehearsals of proposals. I was forced to concentrate myself  after each call from my parents but her smile made it impossible. 

     "Happy birthday son!",wished my mom and dad with their happy birthday songs through vociferation. "so what do you want for this birthday dear? "asked my mom.I was out of control and screamed "Aditi". "what??"yelled my parents.."Papa!! Aditi,my college mate, is on waiting to wish!I will call you early morning.Love you and am missing your presence!! take care",i ended the call with a mobile kiss."Thank god!"My stupid brain would have landed me in trouble if  i wasn't an expert in lying,I appreciated myself. Hostalates became "The Unpredictables" on that night.Everyone gathered around in my room with a photo cake and cameras. When i was about to cut the cake my buddies switched off the lights and i lit the candle.

    I didnt know what should be done.I crossed my arms and held it across my chest and ran  into my bedsheet.I was the most happiest person in the world at that moment and i wanted it to be forever.It was my Adithi who switched off the lights and gave a shocking surprise to me.But ,since i wasn't sure about the parts exposed with my dressing sense I had to get wrapped with my bedclothes. "arey!!!come on karthik!I have taken such a risk by entering into the boys hostel to see and wish you at midnight.... but you run away seeing me?? ".Her tone seemed so pity and I felt like pulling her too inside the bedsheet and wrap her into my arms. But in the case of aditi I was always been a great imaginer and not doer. I managed to make my dresses proper and came infront of her to recieve her wishing.She wished me with her gorgeous smile and her elegant  look in casuals added beauty to it. She gave a sign of shy and ran back to her room giving me a thin cover. 

    My pals were so eager than me to open it up before even cutting the cake and  I uncovered it. Requiring it to be private, i streaked into my bathroom with it. After reading the impressions on the paper I felt my heaven in the world. I came out and was proving everyone I was born with 32teeth. "yes!!I have won it!! And thats my Aditi darzz!"I enjoined. "Double dhamakka!! ur b'day treat and for ur love uh!! We are lucky enough this day dude ..."said my friends. "usshhh!! Keep silence! Thats not a proposal letter! I found her mobile number on it!!",I reverted. "oh!! Thats so mean!!...." .       "I will give you double treat anyways !!" I said and we had fun that night. I was back to sleep after an hour and it was now around 1:30 AM. My eyes begged me to sleep but my heart wanted to do something else... I hugged my pillow and wanted to replace it with aditi. I took my mobile and messaged her "Hi!This is Karthik!" and placed my mobile aside .

    Less than a minute i got a reply saying "hi!"
              'Hey didnt you sleep yet?'
              'Nope,How will i ?'
              'Why?'
              'Because I gave my number to you this night '
              'You were so confident that  I wil message you tonight??'
              'yes'
              'You cant judge my character so soon Aditi!' 
               'yes!But i can predict one's thoughts ,who was behind me for months together' 

I didnt knew what to reply and just ended the conversation saying good night . My nineteenth birthday was an unforgettable moment for my many of my friends and especially me. Soon we became closer and our exams were also getting closer. We did combine studies and we made our chemistry work out before our physics exams.We were depending upon each other for anything and everything regarding studies,issues with friends and families,hanging out on weekends etc. After exams ,we were set apart by summer holidays!It is then i understood the propotional relationships perfect. Distance and emotions are directly propotional.Far from her I felt my love for her than before.And she was unable to spend her nights alone without my calls. 

  Finally classes were opened for second semester and we were the most happiest persons for that cause. Everyday more than 200 eyes followed us and our activities.Few wished us to be couples,few wanted us to be good friends and other few were jealous of us and indeed desired our relation to break.Inspite of all,we were close enough to make their stomachs burn and now rumours started  spreading little more  fast that Me and Aditi were committed. As this issue became the talk of the colege Aditi asked me the most toughest question!! "Do you love me??" It wasn't sturdy to answer but her further reactions after my reply was interrupting me. But this time I dared to make an reply.... 

  "Aditi! Love is not going to make my world go around ,but it will make the ride worthwhile if you stay with me forever... Am not proposing you because i can live with you,but its beacause I cant live without you . Nothing makes me feel as you do and i dont want to miss it in life ever!! Take care!" ,I returned men's hostel with wet eyes and weak heart. I couldn't even share it with my best of all best friends Gautam.But he did found it easily because he knew that the only thing which would make me cry is Aditi. He tried to add sweet to his words but I was in such a  bitter state. Also, I felt sad that I left her alone in ground after proposing and now I wanted to know whether she reached the women's hostel safely and if she is angry with me for leaving her alone. I never understand why do girls switch off their mobiles when someone proposes or when fight occurs! And same happened with her, I wasn't able to make any contacts with her for two days rather. 

  Semester results were published and Aditi was one percent ahead.She came running towards me in canteen and filled my mouth with sweets and hugged in front of hundreds of guys.
'I know you are happy with your results but its public Adhiti!step back!',I said.
'I dont need anybody's permission to hug my love',she said.
' what????'
'I love you karthik! I dont wanna miss you in my life!"
Whole Canteen celebrated victory of love and obviously my bank balance ended up with minimun balance. I wasn't able to utter a word out of happiness. My imagination atlast turned into reality. Days passed in pace and we soon became the grammar of love in the campus. We enjoyed our love days to the extreme.We loved ,kissed, hugged, slapped, laughed, romanced with each other.We practiced everything except sex. Two years and six months passed by and we were almost ready to get into our finals. 

  It is then a storm broke my heart.On a birthday party i came to know about X love of aditi from her friends during schooldays.I literally wanted to cry out of anger and pain of being cheated but controlled my emotions. When Aditi reached the party hall I asked her about this and she replied "It was just lust karthik!It wasn't worth and serious to say to you and so i didnt!" But I never felt the way before I used to feel with her. I started making simple issues a bigger one though she used to apologise me many times.Its human nature to think about negative aspects alone of an individual,even with your own girl.Small arguments led to big fights and we decided not to speak with each other in life time. she did claimed me for her silly mistakes but I never wanted to forgive and i ended the call. 

Now,
It was vacation time and I was back to my home.since I was the only child and pet for my mom I never wanted her to do any works in my presence.I helped her to the extreme I can and it is then I found the Chamber of secrets-My mom's diary.Its know its not appreciable to read third person's diary but she was my mom,one who gave birth.Not a third person.I slipped through its pages fastly and I found those words...."During the sleepless nights and endless dreams,I pretend that ......."    I realized that she was in love with someone during her teenage and was sure that it wasn't my dad. Already being upset by Aditi I hated girls to an extent and now I felt like screaming to my mom. I went into hall and cam stroked it with hatredness. My dad and mom was shocked seeing my behaviour and I demanded an explanation from my mom with my voice raised. 

  Every one were experiecing the moments of silence and then rang the telephone in living room.My dad attended. Showing the signs of stupefaction he passed the earpiece to mom.I smelled something was serious.Soon after hearing the words of person on otherside my mom went inside the room,locked it and started to shed tears. It was an chaos. I wasn't able to understand what was happening around me and then my dad said...

       'My better half,your mom,loved a man during her college days .Our generation were not the supporters of love but loved their cast more than their child's happiness.That is how she married me and also shared her pain with me years before ,even before we started making love with each other'

  'What was the call about??Why is she crying??',I asked.
  'Her past love rested in peace.It was a call from his children'.
  'Dadddd!! Haven't you asked anything more about him to mom???'
  'Never !Why should i?? I knew she was pure at heart and thats why she shared her pain of love. I would have been mean if I havent trusted her.She lives for me and you.I know her better than you'
  'But dad..... Its cheating...'
  'And now you can shut up your mouth!you do not have any rights to comment on my wife's character and you better  pack up your luggages for hostel now!This moment!!'
  'Dad,Am sorry for my behaviour,But....'
        'But..?But what??'
  'why didnt you ask her about her love anymore?'
  'Because it hurts her! Moreover If am gonna ask anymore about her past love,What is the value and meaning of love I have on her???'

I felt a virtual slap on my face! Love is not about loving her,caring her,struggling to get her but understanding means a lot than anything,even though when your love wasn't able to explain you the situation!! I urged to my room and took my mob to call her... I distressed whether she would have switchedd off it as usual,but it wasn't!
 I requested to mobile network services to connect to my LifeLine!
 She attended the call.... I said "Hello.I love you!"